Impostor Syndrome: noun
the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills.
Everyone, at some point in their life may feel like a fraud, or they don’t deserve to be where they are when things start going their way. It is a tough thing to deal with when the one thing that makes you feel happy and fulfilled in life can be the one thing that you’re afraid to show off to the world. I am slowly learning to deal with Impostor Syndrome, but I don’t think it ever completely goes away.
I’ve been drawing ever since I could pick up a pencil, and have in recent years, started painting and developing my skills in the craft. It isn’t easy. Some days things go right, and others I wish I had never started a project, and vow to never pick up a paintbrush again. It’s completely juvenile, I know. When I don’t think a painting is good enough, or that it’s ruined, the self-criticism drives itself to the surface and embeds itself in my brain, ready to tell me how much of an impostor I am when I come to show it off. So, I don’t. Then the painting sits there, gathering dust amongst the pile of other ‘ruined’ works, serving as a constant reminder that I am simply not good enough.
It is certainly a vicious cycle that never ends if I let it have its way. So, this time around I have made a firm decision to stand by my art, love it and parade it, proudly – hence the brand-new website and updated Instagram account – and I will say, it is as petrifying as it is exciting, but it feels like this is how life should always have been. I’m annoyed I didn’t start sooner.
The thing with art though, is it can be very personal, even if it seems to be just a few splashes on a piece of board. Displaying your work publicly is kind of like publishing pages of a diary and letting the world see who you really are. Your creative process, your inner workings, your colour choices and mood, your style and ability, are all out there for everyone to see in all of very permanent glory! Yeah. That’s where the petrifying part comes in. So, what about the excitement and satisfaction?
Well, that comes from learning to ignore the negative voice that sings “I can’t do this” followed by a verse of “you’re not good enough” and realising that when someone says your work is good, they mean it.
Even if people don’t like your work, does that make you an impostor? Does that mean you deserve any part of this happiness any less? That’s not really how it works. Art is incredibly subjective, and people enjoy what they enjoy. I know that what I produce isn’t for everyone and that’s okay. I think. I’m getting there, anyway.
I have had so much support since launching my website. The feedback has been overwhelming to say the least. I just have to remember that I have worked hard, I have practiced, and above all, I have found something that makes me want to get up and go from the minute I wake up, until the quiet hours of night when it becomes apparent that it is, in fact, the next day. That drive is all it takes. I’m not an impostor, I’m just starting to get to work, which is the most exciting thing of all. This is just the beginning.
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